DEAR CAROLINE: My son said it’s ‘pretty lame’ to be at a New Year’s Eve party with us –
Q For many years, we have held a big New Year’s Eve party for family and friends. My eldest son, who is now 17, has always enthusiastically helped us, organising music and a quiz, enjoying himself. However, he has just dropped a bombshell, saying that this year he wants to go to the party of a friend whose parents are away. I told him how sad I was and that all our friends and his cousins would miss him. He just said that it was ‘pretty lame’ to be at a party with your parents on New Year’s Eve.
I suspect there is a girl going who he likes but he’s not said. I know it’s irrational, but it feels like a betrayal. I realise that I have to let him go to this party. He would only resent me and his father if we said no and we probably couldn’t stop him anyway. I also know he has to grow up and start living his own life but I can’t help feeling sad and a bit rejected.
A It is hard for parents when children start moving towards greater independence. As he is your eldest child, and will perhaps be going to university next year, this party is a glimpse of your future empty nest. You are right that he would probably resent you if you said no and that it would be difficult to stop him. Sixteen or 17 is the typical age for offspring to start pushing the boundaries. It’s a tricky time as teenagers do need limits but often the more you impose, the more they will push against them. Mostly all you can do is guide, nudge and advise.
Perhaps he could stay for the first hour of your party, just to say hello. Safety, of course, is paramount, so explain that in order for him to go (and for independence to continue in future) there are ground rules. Ensure he shares the party address with you, keeps in contact by text during the evening and has a plan for getting home safely. (You or your husband might need to remain sober in order to collect him.)
You also need, of course, to talk about drink and drugs as, unfortunately, these will almost certainly be present. I agree that there may be a girl involved – and your son is at the age when he is probably thinking about sex. So, difficult as it is, you also need to have a conversation about the importance of respect for girls and women. Your son may well be a responsible young man who would never get a girl drunk and take advantage, but sadly this kind of behaviour is far too common and parents need to teach that this is not acceptable.
I’m sorry, it is so hard to feel that you are needed less now when you were once your child’s whole world. Remind yourself it’s the safety you have provided that has given him the confidence to expand his horizons, and try to see it as him reaching out to the wider world rather than a rejection of you.
WHY SHOULD I BE CALLED A HUSBAND-STEALER?
Q I have been upset by a casual comment made by a friend of a friend. My husband and I split up eight months ago after I discovered he was sexting a colleague. I was devastated, but have since realised that it wasn’t the first time and that I was unhappy in our relationship anyway. So he moved out and I have been trying to rebuild my life and dating on and off.
However, I am going to a party on New Year’s Eve and one friend told me that one invitee said, ‘We’ll all have to keep an eye on our husbands now that she’s single.’ My friend thought it was funny and knows I’m not like that, but I’m annoyed that this woman seems to have me down as some sort of predatory husband-stealer. I am quite capable of having fun with friends without eyeing up all the married men.
A It is annoying, isn’t it, how one stupid comment that we know we should ignore can still get to us. However, I don’t think she sees you specifically as a predatory husband-stealer, more probably that she feels any single or newly divorced woman is a threat. Perhaps she is insecure about her own husband and thinks he might be tempted to stray. Your friend, on the other hand, can find the comment funny as she trusts both you and her own spouse.
Or perhaps you are particularly attractive! I am so sorry to hear about the breakdown of your own marriage but glad that you’re able to move forward. Don’t let this casual comment put you off going to the party. You have every right to enjoy yourself. It could be tempting to flirt with this woman’s husband as a form of revenge, but I’d take the opposite tack and be a model of decorum.